Lets try to be more coherent

And i sit here, staring at the blank blog space in front of me and I don't know what to say. I'm listening to music in an attempt to get past the hangover and the sadness.
It's one twenty PM, and i don't know what I'm doing between now and work (at four). I feel like i should eat, but i have no desire to at all. I feel like I need to get out of the house, but this damn computer is my lifeline right now -- it's keeping me sane, something concrete that's anchoring me to this hole.

I think I only ever blog about my melodrama because it's like crying out for help, you know? it's a passive-agressive way of asking to be loved, helped, saved. The good stuff is only interesting when it's quirky and amusing, and I just...I often don't have that in me.

I am fighting this war with who i am, and who i want to be. I want to be proud of my personality, of my life...but I'm not. I always feel like i'm too *not*. I'm not pretty enough, not happy enough, not doing anything worth noting. I'm failing myself and everyone else. People tell me they have faith in me, but WHY? They tell me I'm far too hard on myself. They may be right. But I just feel wrong all over.

This isn't where I wanted to be. This isn't what i wanted, this isn't what I thought would happen. And i feel trapped. And I feel lost. This reminds me of how little control I actually have over my life.

It's so EASY to be a mess. It's so easy to have everything and nothing all at once.

I shouldn't have kissed you. It should have just stayed a possibility-- should have stayed an unanswered question. Kinda like why did you text me at six am? Where were you until six am? And at the same time...oh, how little i care.

What i hate is that when i get over you -- when everything passes and fades away and we can be friends -- something else happens and I'm sucked back in. Maybe we can't be friends. Maybe what I need is to be away from you, forever.

And I haven't cried about it. Not yet, not now, not ever.

And it makes me painfully aware of what I want that I don't have. And now, I feel like it needs to be over, and i need to go home.