Strange Fruit
This term has technically been going better than last term: my grades are better, my stress levels are lower...but I don't feel better. I don't know why, really, except that I've become this strange, disjointed sort of person who isn't necessary and isn't really all that significant. It's funny, but the only people I talk to are the people at work and in some of my classes. I feel like I'm drowning, and nobody cares.
I've been thinking a lot more about the fragility of the human existence. Blame it on Dante, Easter or the random people who've died lately but I've just been wondering why we let ourselves feel all this drama. It doesn't really matter, does it? I mean in all probability I am never going to change the world - so why should I even try? I've been feeling so...cut off lately and yet the back of my mind goes 'who cares'? Maybe I don't NEED anymore than the reality of this little computer screen and the hopes that somewhere down the road it gets better.
I know when it's a lie, too. I can feel the platitudes meant to make me feel better because my 'importance' has vanished. In the one sense it's hard for me to let this all just go. In another sense it's easy, because I don't belong.
Lordy - I'm so melodramatic.
Anyhow. Into the mind of the beast?? Not really. I bought into the culture craze and got myself an ipod mini. It's blue and happy and has almost all my music in one convenient little parcel. What can I say? I wanted to feel the world drop away to the place where my sihouette can flail madly before a solid coloured backdrop (on a personal note, flailing isn't quite as fun as it could/should be. THe one time I flailed, doug caught me and laughed. Sigh. I wasn't meant to flail with style.).
This term has technically been going better than last term: my grades are better, my stress levels are lower...but I don't feel better. I don't know why, really, except that I've become this strange, disjointed sort of person who isn't necessary and isn't really all that significant. It's funny, but the only people I talk to are the people at work and in some of my classes. I feel like I'm drowning, and nobody cares.
I've been thinking a lot more about the fragility of the human existence. Blame it on Dante, Easter or the random people who've died lately but I've just been wondering why we let ourselves feel all this drama. It doesn't really matter, does it? I mean in all probability I am never going to change the world - so why should I even try? I've been feeling so...cut off lately and yet the back of my mind goes 'who cares'? Maybe I don't NEED anymore than the reality of this little computer screen and the hopes that somewhere down the road it gets better.
I know when it's a lie, too. I can feel the platitudes meant to make me feel better because my 'importance' has vanished. In the one sense it's hard for me to let this all just go. In another sense it's easy, because I don't belong.
Lordy - I'm so melodramatic.
Anyhow. Into the mind of the beast?? Not really. I bought into the culture craze and got myself an ipod mini. It's blue and happy and has almost all my music in one convenient little parcel. What can I say? I wanted to feel the world drop away to the place where my sihouette can flail madly before a solid coloured backdrop (on a personal note, flailing isn't quite as fun as it could/should be. THe one time I flailed, doug caught me and laughed. Sigh. I wasn't meant to flail with style.).