Life, death and whatever is inbetween
I went to a funeral yesterday, for a woman 32 years old. She was married and had two children (one three and the other one). She died of a cancer that ate away at her body until she was nothing but skin, bone and disease. She was thirty-two.
You know, that's 12 years older than me?
I hate funerals.
I've decided this. Going to the funeral is for the family left. You get no closure, you get no sense of freedom or relief - the family does. When grandma died I felt all the love and support from all the people who loved her, and who she loved: the fact that everyone was there meant the world to me (I was a little jealous that I had had to share her with all these people...but i managed to convince myself that she had a special place in her heart for me, amidst all these better faces) - it made my grief easier to bear.
Yesterday I hated it. I absolutely, utterly hated it. Because you know what i realized? that she had wanted to live. She had wanted to see her children grow up, get married. Have their own children. you know, when she was first diagnosed, she and her husband probably sat down adn talked about it, how she WOULD do these things -- how she HAD to do these things because he didn't want to do it alone.
but lord, listening to the pastor talk about how she was "home" now...it all sounded so hollow. I don't understand why she had to die. I can't explain how i hated it.
I joked earlier, with kora that maybe I have some sort of kiss of death, that everyone i know seems to be dying of disease -- nothing quick, no, but wasting away into nothingness. It was an awful joke.
I hate that void that grief leaves. I hate that aching, absense of feeling that you KNOW will diminish but you try to cling to because it feels like it's the only way you can hold onto those you lost. You don't want to surrender your hurt -- because if you do it feels like you'll let go of them...and you'll never get them back.
you know what else I realized? I miss my grandma. I miss her so much that I would have traded that 32 year old woman with absolutely everything to live for for my aged grandma who had lived an extraordinary and extraordinarily full life. It's horrible, I know. So I added my sorrow to everyone elses, and I cried not only for the woman recently dead but for my grandmother who I loved absolutely and who died in November. I cried because my parents will die someday. I cried because my sister, my boyfriend, my friends --- everybody will go, and it is inevitable. I cried because there is no coming back, and there is no way to stop grieving those who have gone on.
I cried because I know I will see them again, but they are 'beyond the veil' and out of my reach. I cried because I miss her.
I went to a funeral yesterday, for a woman 32 years old. She was married and had two children (one three and the other one). She died of a cancer that ate away at her body until she was nothing but skin, bone and disease. She was thirty-two.
You know, that's 12 years older than me?
I hate funerals.
I've decided this. Going to the funeral is for the family left. You get no closure, you get no sense of freedom or relief - the family does. When grandma died I felt all the love and support from all the people who loved her, and who she loved: the fact that everyone was there meant the world to me (I was a little jealous that I had had to share her with all these people...but i managed to convince myself that she had a special place in her heart for me, amidst all these better faces) - it made my grief easier to bear.
Yesterday I hated it. I absolutely, utterly hated it. Because you know what i realized? that she had wanted to live. She had wanted to see her children grow up, get married. Have their own children. you know, when she was first diagnosed, she and her husband probably sat down adn talked about it, how she WOULD do these things -- how she HAD to do these things because he didn't want to do it alone.
but lord, listening to the pastor talk about how she was "home" now...it all sounded so hollow. I don't understand why she had to die. I can't explain how i hated it.
I joked earlier, with kora that maybe I have some sort of kiss of death, that everyone i know seems to be dying of disease -- nothing quick, no, but wasting away into nothingness. It was an awful joke.
I hate that void that grief leaves. I hate that aching, absense of feeling that you KNOW will diminish but you try to cling to because it feels like it's the only way you can hold onto those you lost. You don't want to surrender your hurt -- because if you do it feels like you'll let go of them...and you'll never get them back.
you know what else I realized? I miss my grandma. I miss her so much that I would have traded that 32 year old woman with absolutely everything to live for for my aged grandma who had lived an extraordinary and extraordinarily full life. It's horrible, I know. So I added my sorrow to everyone elses, and I cried not only for the woman recently dead but for my grandmother who I loved absolutely and who died in November. I cried because my parents will die someday. I cried because my sister, my boyfriend, my friends --- everybody will go, and it is inevitable. I cried because there is no coming back, and there is no way to stop grieving those who have gone on.
I cried because I know I will see them again, but they are 'beyond the veil' and out of my reach. I cried because I miss her.