This isn't where I wanted to be. This isn't what i wanted, this isn't what I thought would happen. And i feel trapped. And I feel lost. This reminds me of how little control I actually have over my life.

It's so EASY to be a mess. It's so easy to have everything and nothing all at once.

I shouldn't have kissed you. It should have just stayed a possibility-- should have stayed an unanswered question. Kinda like why did you text me at six am? Where were you until six am? And at the same time...oh, how little i care.

What i hate is that when i get over you -- when everything passes and fades away and we can be friends -- something else happens and I'm sucked back in. Maybe we can't be friends. Maybe what I need is to be away from you, forever.

And I haven't cried about it. Not yet, not now, not ever.

And it makes me painfully aware of what I want that I don't have. And now, I feel like it needs to be over, and i need to go home.