I'm back and Secrets
My hiatus is over: I'm not exactly "better", but I'm feeling communicative -- at least, a little.
There is a lot new. Sort of. I've been sad lately. Very sad. I have a second job: I'm working in a jewelry store in the mall three or so days a week, as well as at the restaurant. It's keeping me busy, which is what is important right now. And the money doesn't hurt. Tonight I was SUPPOSED to work, but I didn;t because it was so slow Lael said he was making first cuts and i could just...not start. So I opted for not starting and went to his house for thanksgiving dinner. I don't want to think about the holiday season yet. I am so excited yet so dreading it now. More on THAT later.
Work at the restaurant is awesome. Mostly. Sometimes I feel like my job security is at risk -- for little to no reason, mind you -- and that makes me wayyy too worried...
The jewlery store is retail. It's not great, but I don't mind it. The 50% discount is amazing. So you know what you will all be getting for Christmas? You get one guess. Honest.
But, you ask, why am I so sad? WHY do I feel this sense of consumate lonliness and emptiness? I would say that God would fill it - but it hasn't been filled in years. I barely remember a time when it WAS. Maybe when I was a teenager...Things
(believe it or not) made more sense then. God was God and he worked the way I wanted him to. Now, nothing does. A part of me believes that it's punishment. Most of me doesn't know.
They say that God never changes. True. But what they ("they"?) don't say is how my perception of God is always changing, so I can never understand who and what he is to be simply ONE thing. He is the beginning but ALSO the ending -- the epitome of the unfathomable.
When I was little I would cry to him in the hours of my despair. In my darkest night I would weep and wail to my Father In Heaven. And I wouldn't feel it. I would pretend.
I cannot deny God. There are too many miracles; it is too ingrained in me. But I don't know HOW he exists. Certainly not on my terms.
Those who simply want to "know" only want the easy answers. True.
I feel like I am on a journey. I feel as if I am at the start of a long, long road. I don't know where it will take me. I don't know when I can get there - I doubt I would ever be REALLY happy with an easy answer. So when I arrive, I will have found truth enough to satisfy myself.
So here is what my cross will stand for: despite the fact that I am born in such uncertainty some things I have alwaus known to be true. These truths have and are a gravitational force in my life. Through what few definitions exist, that one has always stood. So while I can't say I am a "believer" right now, I do believe.
To quote myself: the backbone of religion has been ripped from me; I am left with something like faith.
My hiatus is over: I'm not exactly "better", but I'm feeling communicative -- at least, a little.
There is a lot new. Sort of. I've been sad lately. Very sad. I have a second job: I'm working in a jewelry store in the mall three or so days a week, as well as at the restaurant. It's keeping me busy, which is what is important right now. And the money doesn't hurt. Tonight I was SUPPOSED to work, but I didn;t because it was so slow Lael said he was making first cuts and i could just...not start. So I opted for not starting and went to his house for thanksgiving dinner. I don't want to think about the holiday season yet. I am so excited yet so dreading it now. More on THAT later.
Work at the restaurant is awesome. Mostly. Sometimes I feel like my job security is at risk -- for little to no reason, mind you -- and that makes me wayyy too worried...
The jewlery store is retail. It's not great, but I don't mind it. The 50% discount is amazing. So you know what you will all be getting for Christmas? You get one guess. Honest.
But, you ask, why am I so sad? WHY do I feel this sense of consumate lonliness and emptiness? I would say that God would fill it - but it hasn't been filled in years. I barely remember a time when it WAS. Maybe when I was a teenager...Things
(believe it or not) made more sense then. God was God and he worked the way I wanted him to. Now, nothing does. A part of me believes that it's punishment. Most of me doesn't know.
They say that God never changes. True. But what they ("they"?) don't say is how my perception of God is always changing, so I can never understand who and what he is to be simply ONE thing. He is the beginning but ALSO the ending -- the epitome of the unfathomable.
When I was little I would cry to him in the hours of my despair. In my darkest night I would weep and wail to my Father In Heaven. And I wouldn't feel it. I would pretend.
I cannot deny God. There are too many miracles; it is too ingrained in me. But I don't know HOW he exists. Certainly not on my terms.
Those who simply want to "know" only want the easy answers. True.
I feel like I am on a journey. I feel as if I am at the start of a long, long road. I don't know where it will take me. I don't know when I can get there - I doubt I would ever be REALLY happy with an easy answer. So when I arrive, I will have found truth enough to satisfy myself.
So here is what my cross will stand for: despite the fact that I am born in such uncertainty some things I have alwaus known to be true. These truths have and are a gravitational force in my life. Through what few definitions exist, that one has always stood. So while I can't say I am a "believer" right now, I do believe.
To quote myself: the backbone of religion has been ripped from me; I am left with something like faith.